The terrorists have won.

This is one of the new toilet papers dispensers they installed in my office. They release a single, measured piece of toilet paper in a way similar to a tissue box. They exist as a way of cutting costs. I can’t imagine the astronomical costs of TP in these rough times, but I can’t imagine it costs more than our freedom and liberty—the very same freedom and liberty this Socialist contraption strips away by telling me I’m only allowed to take one pre-torn sheet of toilet paper at a time instead of spooling as much of the roll around my hand as possible.

All joking aside, I don’t like being told how much toilet paper I can use per wipe. Despite that fact, do I really NEED to swaddle my hand in layers of the stuff for each wipe? The answer is no. The pre-measured TP provides a more-than-adequate amount of coverage for any bathroom tissue need, and it’s an environmentally conscious money-saver to boot. But still—someone is telling me how much toilet paper I’m allowed to use at one time. It’s a very slippery slope. As odd as it sounds, the toilet paper dispenser is a perfect analogy for our civil liberties. We have a lot of varied and wonderful rights in this free country of ours, which is what makes it great, but do we NEED all these rights? Just like I don’t need four yards of toilet paper per wipe, I don’t need to own AK-47s to hunt or protect my home, and the right for anybody to own one logically puts my life in more danger than if their ownership was banned outright. Despite that, there is still a lot of people out there who feel that government regulation takes away their rights. So as you can see, the toilet paper dispenser really does offer an interesting model for discussion when it comes to this divisive time in U.S. history.

That said, I’m interested in the can of worms a government-regulated toilet paper dispenser would open. Would most people accept its benefits, or would most attack it for stealing our freedom? Would Tea Party members establish rallies, citing, “This is ‘Merica, and nobody takes my liberty or my toilet paper”? Would Obama’s administration offer Green Tax Rebates to any household willing to convert to a dispenser?

Interesting stuff, and it all came from poop paraphernalia.

I’ve decided to create a show for the USA Network (Characters Welcome!) called “401Kate.”

It’s going to be one of the smartest, sharpest, sexiest shows on television. It’ll also be described with several other “s” synonyms.

“401Kate” centers around Kate, a mutual funds analyst for one of the biggest mutual funds firms (?) in the country. But Kate isn’t your ordinary mutual funds analyst; she’s a mutual funds analyst who plays by her own rules. When Kate finds out that her mutual funds firm (or is it a company?) is ripping off women, minorities and other people who aren’t necessarily mainstream, Kate uses her sassy business savvy, big-city sensibilities and her indomitable moral code to protect the little guy (and his assets) from the big, bad, money-hungry mutual funds firm (am I even using that right?)

Soon to be cable’s next big hit, “401Kate” is all about amazing characters doing amazing things like all shows on the USA Network (Characters Welcome!). Like all characters on all of the other original programming on the network, “401Kate” features a headstrong, independent protagonist going against the system and helping out less fortunate and very diverse characters (Welcome!) who resemble several other people in life who you’ve seen before but never actually talked to (minorities). She isn’t a television cliché at all.

Unlike other USA Network (Characters Welcome!) shows, “401Kate” doesn’t star a vaguely familiar character actor that you think you recognize from other shows, but instead stars a has-been actress nobody has wondered about since 2002. Playing Kate is none other than the 5-headed, alien-eyed, toothy waif of an actress, Mena Suvari from American Pie, American Pie 2, American Beauty and most likely several straight-to-DVD films that also have American in the title.

“Kate is a strong and powerful woman in the board room, but at the end of the day she’s still that little girl on the farm, dreaming of a career at a mutual funds firm in the big city,” Suvari says of her character. “She’s not without her weaknesses. Sure, she adds heart to her big city sensibilities and rocks a mini-dress like all get out, but she’s not without her weaknesses. I mean, if only she could find a man who can handle both her big heart and her strong ambitions…amaright?!”

“401Kate” premieres on the USA Network (Characters Welcome!) this summer. It has a catchy name, so watching it will make you feel more relevant.